Help I Need A Spouse! (Part 1)

by on October 19, 2026 | Comment

I was going to title this two-part essay “Find Girl, Marry Girl” as a follow-up to the brief series on the creational pattern for marriage and children, but some of the responses I received to it reminded me that for many young people, the issue is not so much that they do not want to marry and have children but that they are discouraged over whether they will find a mate.1 In this series, I will address some of the factors that make it difficult for Christian men and women to meet and marry and what they can do to address these issues.

Shifting Cultural Patterns: Sexual and Technological Revolutions

Longtime readers of the Heidelblog may remember that I have previously written about three sexual revolutions, roughly parallel to the three waves of feminism.

There have been, arguably, three sexual revolutions in the modern period. The early stages of feminism in the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries were part of a sexual revolution that included a loosening of heterosexual mores. The roaring 20s included real sexual promiscuity. The early development of film included a booming business in graphic pornography. The second modern sexual revolution may be traced to the legalization of birth control (1962), the legalization of abortion on demand (1973), and no-fault divorce from 1975. Bridging the gap between the two was the post-WWII mainstreaming of Epicureanism in the form of Playboy magazine. The second revolution was still mainly heterosexual, but the 1969 Stonewall riots foreshadowed the mainstreaming of homosexuality in the media and popular culture through the 1970s and 80s.2

We are well into the third sexual revolution. The nub of it is the systematic destruction of all natural boundaries and roles. We no longer speak of the immutable biological fact that there are only two sexes. Now people regularly speak of multiple “genders,” which, as I keep saying, is a grammatical category. The intent and result of the LGBTQIA+ movement is to “queer,” as they say, all natural boundaries and norms.

One effect of the latest phase of the sexual revolutions is that women no longer know what to expect from men nor men from women. What are the rules? Who knows? For the last few decades, female university students have been catechized in the sexual revolution as part of freshman orientation. Men are too frequently portrayed to them as latent predators to be feared or even as irrelevant. After all, the slogan “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle,” popularized by Gloria Steinem (1934–2026), dates to 1970.3 What was revolutionary fifty-six years ago is taught today as a truism to young women. Of course, it was as stupid then as it is now, not least because two-parent families are vastly superior to single-parent households.4

At the same time, as repressive as the Victorian era might have been, in the post-Victorian world, women have been sexualized in a way that dehumanizes them. Has moving porn from smut shops to every smartphone owned by virtually every young man in America liberated women or oppressed them?

The sexual revolutions have affected the way Christian men and women meet and marry, but there are other social changes that affect the way young people socialize; for example, COVID-19 pushed us indoors and into a greater degree of isolation. This is especially true for Gen Z (Zoomers). Dace Potas, a Zoomer himself, writes, “We’ve become more risk averse since the pandemic, and it’s holding back our social and economic lives.”5 He argues that “the pandemic made Americans more cautious” and that many Americans have not adjusted to pre-COVID social patterns. Public policy, he says, is partly to blame but underlying social changes were already underway.

Many of these trends predate COVID-19, driven by the rise of online alternatives to real-world socializing. Young adults’ weekly time with friends nearly halved between 2010 and 2019. Dating apps spare young people the risk of approaching someone in person and lower the stakes of rejection. Gen Z can share hot takes on X, keep up with friends’ lives on Instagram, and chat or game on Discord.6

Christians are not immune (no pun intended) from broader social changes, but we do have a social institution and a network of relationships that our unbelieving coworkers, friends, and neighbors probably do not: the visible church, the Christ-confessing covenant community.

Nevertheless, despite the blessing of the visible church, my experience tells me that Christian young people are struggling to find a spouse and that relocating social life from the real to the virtual world, along with the sexual revolutions, has not helped.

Women Don’t Bite

It is most regrettable that so many people have come to believe that men and women are the same. This is obviously not true biologically nor is it true psychologically or emotionally. One consequence of believing the lie that men and women are the same is that men and women assume things of the opposite sex that are not true; for example, women no longer seem to know that men, for all their bravado and occasional heroism, are afraid of women. Men who have geared up and stacked up to enter a house to rescue hostages will break out into a cold sweat as they try to think of a way to ask a woman for a date. The only thing that frightens most men more than meeting a woman or asking her for a date is public speaking, but they are essentially the same fear: that of rejection and humiliation.

When I was a seminary student, my wife and I and another married couple arranged to introduce some fellow students to single women who taught at the school where my wife taught. Our friends hosted the meeting, and my wife’s colleagues came from work. For their part, the seminary students sat like deer in headlights. It was a disaster. After a while, the women made their excuses and left. On reflection I realized that we should have arranged an activity—bowling, anything to grease the skids—but the men did not seem to understand that they needed to smile, introduce themselves, and speak. They were paralyzed with fear.

Not every man is equally nervous about meeting and dating a woman, but most of us are most of the time. There are things one can do that help.

Pray

The first and most powerful thing a Christian man can do in his pursuit of a wife is to pray. Psalm 127:1 says,

Unless the Lord builds the house,

those who build it labor in vain.

Unless the Lord watches over the city,

the watchman stays awake in vain.

The Lord is sovereign, and we are dependent on his gracious providence.7 Psalm 127:1 does not say that there is no use in building or watching. The Lord uses means.

Be Interesting

Playing video games with the guys is fun. There is a time and a place for it, but gaming is unlikely to help you find a wife. In general men like to do things, and women like to relate to people. What can you do to improve your ability to relate to other people, especially Christian women? Have you read an interesting book? Have you seen an interesting film? Can you play an instrument? Nothing enlivens a gathering and provides a natural opening for meeting people like picking up a guitar and playing. You do not need to be Eric Clapton. It is not that difficult to learn a few basic chords.

Where the Girls Are

Social isolation will not help you meet Christian women. People report mixed results from dating apps. Some find them frustrating, but I know Christian couples who met online and are happily married. In one case, the woman was just about to delete the app from her phone, but she took one last look and the man she met there became her husband. If you decide to use the dating apps be sure to post a decent photo of yourself. Consider having a friend take it or even get a professional headshot taken.

A Christian college is a great place to meet Christian women. The same is true of Christian campus groups (e.g., Reformed University Fellowship) at secular universities. We attend church to worship the Lord, to receive the means of grace, and to enjoy the communion of the saints, but many congregations also have college groups and young professional groups. Are there larger congregations in your area with mid-week groups where you might meet someone?

Preparing While Looking

Men, you need to be available, presentable, and desirable but not desperate. Christian women are looking for spiritually and emotionally mature men who have a purpose in life. Do you have a job? Is your house or apartment decent? Are you whining about your circumstances (“The world is against me!”) or are you getting on with serving the Lord and fulfilling your vocation?

Are you committed to serving Christ wherever he has placed you? Are you attending to the means of grace in your confessional Reformed church? Are you using your God-given gifts to serve others?

Are you seeking to mortify the sins of which you are aware? Are you being immature and selfish? For example, are you wasting time and money by gambling?8 Are you using porn? Seeing virtual prostitutes is not a sign of spiritual or emotional maturity. It will not make a godly Christian woman more interested in you. It will not help you find a wife. It is not a substitute for a wife. It is a dead end and spiritually killing.

Video games are not a sin of themselves, but being an expert at them will not impress a prospective wife nearly as much as knowing God’s Word, being skilled at your job, showing love to your neighbors, and being useful in your congregation.

If you are about the business of the Christian life by grace alone, through faith alone, in Christ alone; if you are seeking to put to death the old man and to be made alive in the new (Heidelberg Catechism 88–90); if you are responsible and prayerful, you are the sort of man a Christian woman might find attractive.

Next time: “Men Are Not Monsters”

Notes

  1. R. Scott Clark, “Get Married, Have Children,” Heidelblog (September 21, September 28, and October 5, 2026).
  2. R. Scott Clark, “They Are Coming for Your Children,” Heidelblog (April 2, 2019). See also R. Scott Clark, “Two Dark Sides of the Sexual Revolution (Updated),” Heidelblog (October 15, 2020).
  3. The phrase was coined by Irina Dunn in 1970.
  4. By divine institution and the creational pattern outlined in the previous series, those two parents must be heterosexual.
  5. Dace Potas, “Gen Z is Drinking, Dating Less. What Are We So Afraid Of?” USA Today, October 1, 2026.
  6. Potas, “Gen Z is Drinking, Dating Less.”
  7. See Heidelberg Catechism 26–28.
  8. See Heidelvideo #13—Gambling (Part 1) (April 17, 2026) and Heidelvideo #14-Gambling (Part 2) (April 24, 2026).

©R. Scott Clark. All Rights Reserved.

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  • R. Scott Clark
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    R.Scott Clark is the President of the Heidelberg Reformation Association, the author and editor of, and contributor to several books and the author of many articles. He has taught church history and historical theology since 1997 at Westminster Seminary California. He has also taught at Wheaton College, Reformed Theological Seminary, and Concordia University. He has hosted the Heidelblog since 2007.

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