In part 2 of this series, I addressed the problems of young women who want to get married and have children yet feel discouraged and doubtful about their prospects of finding a mate. The feminist movements have taught young women to demonize men. But Genesis tells us that men and women were created to be together, to complement one another. This creational pattern has been frustrated by the fall, which has corrupted the self-giving/submission relationship established in creation.

Today young women are encouraged to go to college and establish careers, and college can be a good place to find a mate. Often, though, in their pursuit of a career, young women postpone finding a husband, marrying, and starting a family. This can make finding a mate more challenging.

And that brings us back to the question of how a young woman can find a pious, spiritually and emotionally mature Christian man whom she can marry. It should all begin with prayer.

Become Prayerfully Marriageable

Some of the things I wrote to men I doubt there is much of a market for photos of men’s feet, but I am reliably informed there is an online market for photos of women’s feet, and apparently, young women feel pressured to market themselves this way. Making money this way will not help you find the mature, godly man you say you want. The same is obviously true for media that reveals much more than feet. Do I need to say more?

You have been taught to hone your business networking skills, but are you using those skills to improve your social networking skills? Are you regularly attending a solid local congregation? Do you attend Sunday school, fellowship groups, Bible studies? Are you capitalizing on the business, school, and friend networks that you already have? Are you investing in your relationship networks with the same intensity with which you invested in your professional networking? Are you willing to stretch yourself socially by visiting other congregations midweek that might be larger than yours? Is pride an obstacle to finding a husband? If your career has been your priority, might you need to rehabilitate your social skills? Working more than sixty hours a week (especially remotely) does not necessarily enhance a person’s ability to relate socially to others.

Is your future husband a matter of prayer? Are you being humbly honest with yourself and with the Lord about what you want? The culture says that you do not need a man, but the probability is that God made you to desire a godly husband. Are you asking the Lord daily to help you love God with all your faculties and your neighbor as yourself? Your future husband is one of your neighbors, and if things work out well, you will spend the rest of your life living in the same house as that neighbor. Are you judging him the way you would want to be judged? Are your expectations realistic (more on this below)?

The Apps

As I have talked to singles and heard from them, the message is consistent: “The apps are garbage,” and yet some Christians do find spouses on the dating and matchmaking apps. One of the challenges faced by women using the apps is that men and women use them differently, and women might not realize it. Men tend to skim the apps, looking mainly at photos—yes, we are that superficial. When I found my future wife, personal computers barely existed, let alone smartphones and apps, but apparently, men tend not to pay much attention to the bio that you so carefully wrote. They tend to “like” a group of profiles (like putting a net in the water), whereas women tend to go through the app profile by profile (like fishing with a pole). Further, the apps are a business. If you are not paying for the service, you will not get the results for which you hoped.

This means that when you use apps, you need to understand how they work and the results they are likely to produce. Thoughts about how to use the apps productively:

• Avoid the hook-up apps (e.g., Tinder).
• Understand that different sorts of men use different apps. E.g., the guys on Coffee Meets Bagel are different from the guys on Christian Mingle or eHarmony.
• Filter the app for religious commitment.
• Be clear about your commitment to Christ and even your commitment to your Presbyterian or Reformed congregation and confession.
• Be clear and honest about your dealbreakers.
• Get to know the guy before you set a date.
• There is nothing wrong with finding out what you can (e.g., via social media) about a guy before you meet.
• Consider making the first date part of a group activity to relieve the pressure of the first meeting.
• Set the date in a public area.
• Arrange your own transportation.
• Tell a friend where you will be and perhaps even share your location on your phone with her.
• Have a backup plan in case the meeting does not go well.
• Ask your date to pray before dinner. How he responds and prays might tell you quite a lot about him.

Men in 2026 Are Confused

As you pray and look for a husband, there are other challenges to consider. For example, one of the consequences of the sexual revolutions of the past century and a half is confusion about how men and women are to relate to one another. I have watched it unfold. When I graduated from high school, roles were shifting, but the traditional roles were still accepted and dominant. Men asked women for a date (except for the Sadie Hawkins dance). They opened doors for women, and women waited for us to do it. Men paid for the date. I do not say that it was necessarily a better world, but it was a relatively more stable world. The rules, for good and for ill, were relatively clear.

A young man born in 2000 has grown up in a very different world without an agreed set of social rules about how men are to relate to women. Most young men still think that they should be the sole provider for their future wife and family, but they have a deep fear that the deck is stacked against them and that they will not be able to do it.

To make things worse, for some of that time, in high school and university, they probably sat through struggle sessions where they were portrayed by sexual revolutionaries as predators and evil.

They are genuinely confused about how to behave with a woman. They do not understand how you see them, what you expect from them, or where they might fit in your life. After all, there are a considerable number of women who have internalized the “fish/bicycle” ethos.

Here is the crazy thing: Not only do most Christian women need a Christian man, but most Christian men also need a Christian woman; yet despite the façade of confidence and even diffidence toward women (which can manifest in aggressiveness or, in 2026, an apparent rejection of women as “Jezebels”), as I explained previously, men want to be accepted and encouraged.

Further, men and women simply look at things differently, and most men are not particularly gifted in perceiving things that most women regard as important. Put bluntly, the male of the species needs things spelled out, and in our time, there seem to be no rules to articulate.

This does not mean it is your job to fix all that, but it might help to know why men are so difficult to meet and, when you do meet, why they do not seem to know what to do, what to say, or how to behave. There are exceptions. Men who have been homeschooled are probably a little more grounded and, contrary to public education propaganda, more socialized and able to hold a conversation with an adult woman. Men who have had a conventional education probably need to be socialized and probably have baggage that needs to be addressed. Many men have not grown up in two-parent families, and they may not know what a Christian man, a Christian husband, and a father look like. If you are over thirty, there is a statistical possibility that a fair number of the men you meet have already been married. Do not judge them until you know the circumstances. Your elders and ministers can help you sort through these issues.

Final Thoughts

So, Christian woman, as you meet potential mates, the two of you may have to start from scratch. Blessedly, we have a rule: Love the Lord with all your faculties and your neighbor as yourself (Matt 22:37–40). Men, treat a woman as you would want to be treated. Regard her, first, as a sister in Christ for whom the Lord of glory gave his life. Women, regard him as your brother, whom the Father so loved that he gave his only begotten Son. You are united in one faith, one baptism, one Holy Spirit, in the communion of the saints (Eph 4:4–5). This is your starting point.

It will help you relate to Christian men if you do not assume that they see things as you do, that they know what you expect, or that they are as strong emotionally and spiritually as they are physically. To repeat what I said before, in the nature of things, just as you hope for his approval, he is hoping for yours.¹

Note

1. James 3:1–12 bears repeated meditation in this regard.

©R. Scott Clark. All Rights Reserved.

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Post authored by:

• R. Scott Clark

  

  R.Scott Clark is the President of the Heidelberg Reformation Association, the author and editor of, and contributor to several books and the author of many articles. He has taught church history and historical theology since 1997 at Westminster Seminary California. He has also taught at Wheaton College, Reformed Theological Seminary, and Concordia University. He has hosted the Heidelblog since 2007.

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