Fesko: When The Church Is Not Like Costco

It seems like far too many people treat relationships of all sorts as being disposable. As soon as they hit a rough patch of any sort they decide to pull up stakes, move on, and find a new relationship. This is especially the case, I believe, when it comes to church membership. Rather than viewing one’s church membership as something closer to a marriage, they treat their membership like a health club. When the church does not meet their expectations, they start looking for the door. In this vein I think many in the church look at their membership with a product consumer’s mentality. The membership is all about receiving benefits and service.

As common as such thinking might be, our attitude towards church membership should be closer to a marriage relationship than a health club membership. A marriage is supposed to be nearly unbreakable. The Bible gives very few legitimate reasons for breaking a marriage vow. The words, “till death do us part,” captures the nearly unbreakable bonds of marriage. Now while church membership is not a marriage, we should nevertheless treat our membership vows like a marriage vow. In other words, just because we hit a rough patch should not mean that we immediately look for the door.

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J. V. Fesko | “Like a Marriage” | May 7, 2024


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11 comments

  1. Is there some middle ground between “Church membership vows are like a marriage: till death do us part” and “As soon as we hit a rough patch, I’m out the door”? The reason I ask is that in some cases of which I am aware, pastors that have treated membership vows like marriage vows have been abusive to their sheep and have used this argument to prevent wounded sheep from leaving. Surely well-fed sheep, in general, don’t suddenly decide to leave a healthy flock. Maybe some sheep are simply straying, but maybe others are thin and starved and beaten up by their shepherds to that point where they can’t imagine continuing.
    After all, if church membership is like a marriage vow to my local congregation, I can’t leave that church to take another job, let alone to retire closer to family, or for almost any other reason, just as I can’t leave my wife for those reasons. My church membership vow would have to take priority. Likewise, I couldn’t leave a church that had changed over the years, even if it abandoned the gospel. So long as my church/wife agreed to live at peace with me, I shouldn’t seek a different church/divorce!

    I get the point of the article: people quit churches for lousy reasons and they should stop. But please can we stop using faulty analogies that may leave people feeling locked into churches that they actually should leave, not at a walk but at a run!

    • Hi Iain,

      I hope/think so.

      My approach has always been to encourage people to work out their problems with their local church, but also to reserve Christian liberty to seek membership in another confessional Reformed/sister congregation.

      I agree that there are times when it is just no longer tenable to stay in a congregation, but when charges/discipline are not really appropriate.

  2. It is because my husband and I consider commitment to joining a church as similar to marriage vows that I still wrestle with the situation we left. Note: we moved several thousand miles away, so the question of attendance is moot. The church calls itself Reformed, yet there is no mention of the Westminster, Dort, and Heidelberg pillars. When we joined, the pastor preached expositorily through books of the Bible, verse by verse; when we left, he was preaching topically, “as circumstances required.” Baptism was performed in a traditional fashion, but young children were admitted to full membership, including participating at the Lord’s table. I never heard of or saw any expression of church discipline. Adult Sunday School used material twice while I was still there from sources that had been repudiated by the denomination for aberrant teaching. Note: I found them abhorrent and even heretical, hostile to the pure Gospel. Under those circumstances, we felt grateful to move far enough to be unable to participant in this church body, though we moved for other and legitimate reasons. We now attend church via youtube, in order to have at least two of the marks of a true church, though we live a thousand miles away and cannot join. We still search the small town, desiring a church that, at the very least, preaches the Gospel. I feel a mixture of grief and longing for a church home, but it seems to me that something of the true church must be present to justify joining. Does anyone have counsel?

    • By my count, the youtube sermon is one mark of a true church (faithful preaching). By your count is that church also administering the Lord’s Supper to you? That doesn’t seem realistic to me under these ordinary circumstances.

      I live in Alaska, so I have some notion of long driving distances and difficulty finding reformed congregations. But unless you live in the most remote reaches of the contiguous states, I find it difficult to understand why you couldn’t participate in the Lord’s Day if you were committed to driving to a faithful congregation in the morning and returning home in the evening.

    • Hi Lola,

      Here’s a handy confessionally Reformed and Presbyterian Church finder (https://www.naparcsearch.com/).

      Dr. Clark has one that doesn’t appear as comprehensive for P&R churches but it does include some Baptist congregations, which might be your most solid option depending on where you live (https://heidelblog.net/2020/05/how-to-find-a-confessional-presbyterian-or-reformed-congregation/).

      Also, you might find this helpful if there happens to be no sound churches in your area: https://heidelblog.net/2017/01/confessional-pr-congregations-disappoint-not-exist/

      FWIW, just as a brother and layman, I mention this for you and your husband to keep in mind, as my wife and I had to when we were granted the blessing from our elders in a gospel-preaching PCA congregation to see if we might be better in a nearby OPC church in which we became much more (but still not totally) aligned with in doctrine and practice: “The purest churches under heaven are subject both to mixture and error” (WCF 25.5). This means you’ll find sin and error wherever the saints gather on this side of glory. And it’s a two-way street. We also are people who sin, hurt others, and have blind spots that the church we join will need to shepherd and love us through. This doesn’t mean we don’t pray for Reformation in our churches when we’re straying from Scripture and what we confess it to teach as confessionally P&R Christians. But it does mean we should give much thought to what the church teaches and practices before formally joining (with joining a congregation being a goal), taking advantage of membership classes if they’re offered, and talking to the pastor, elders, and others within the congregation as we get to know not just what it confesses on paper (very important) but also what the ethos of the congregation looks like in practice (will there be a list of candidates you most vote for each political election, will you be socially shunned if you decide to homeschool the children, etc.).

      Praying that the Lord will open up a way for you and your husband to worship in person at a congregation where you’ll be nourished by the ordinary means of grace, be loved and cared for, and likewise love and serve others.

    • Lola, I agree with David Ciampa — with an important qualification. Are there any churches within driveable distance that you can attend even if you cannot join them, while watching sound Reformed preaching online and perhaps joining a soundly Reformed church several hours away or farther that is willing to take your membership and have the pastor and an elder drive to meet you a few times per year?

      In Missouri, living outside Fort Leonard Wood, I have to drive almost an hour and a half to what was once a URCNA church plant in Springfield that is now in the ARP. There is a small Southern Baptist congregation in the Founders Conference 20 minutes from Fort Leonard Wood, with several dozen people and two lay elders who share the preaching, but as a Baptist church they will not, quite correctly according to their doctrine, admit people to membership without rebaptism. There are no other Reformed churches anywhere closer that will accept me into membership without rebaptism, and the next-closest church would be about two hours away in the opposite direction.

      In southeast Iowa, I had to drive about 45 minutes to an RPCNA. There were no Reformed options of any type anywhere closer.

      It could be much worse.

      When I lived in New Mexico outside Cannon Air Force Base, I drove almost two hours to an OPC until it closed, and then drove well over two hours in the opposite direction, crossing state lines and a time zone in the opposite direction to a different OPC. I was, however, within walking distance of a Southern Baptist congregation that would have affirmed the Five Points, and a ten-minute drive from a different SBC that, while it didn’t announce itself as Reformed Baptist, had elders who described themselves as “almost a Reformed Baptist church.” Those two churches, and a PC(USA) which at that time had an evangelical pastor, are where most Reformed people at Cannon AFB ended up. (My understanding is there is now a small confessionally Reformed church plant outside Cannon AFB started recently, though I don’t know the people or its leadership.)

      Particularly outside military installations, there is a huge problem with lack of Reformed options. Military personnel usually can’t choose where to go, and since many Army posts and Air Force bases are in small rural communities, there are often few church options.

      It’s no secret that I’m working with several Reformed people, and pastors and elders outside our area, attempting to start a Reformed work at Fort Leonard Wood that will accept people who were baptized as infants. I know and like the leaders of the local SBC in the Founders Conference, but after their church voted not to allow people to join without rebaptism — which was the right decision for them since Baptists should be Baptists — there isn’t any place that military personnel here at Fort Leonard Wood can join.

      Lola, I feel your pain. I am in contact with dozens of people watching me online living in various parts of rural Missouri with zero Reformed options for themselves and their families. Every week I’m in contact with these people, and a growing number of others, who are saying, “Are there any other options anywhere closer to me?” But watching Reformed people online is, at best, a bad option if there are no other options available.

      Please try to see if there is a confessionally Reformed church within a few hours of where you live that is willing to take your membership, even if you can rarely if ever attend in person.

      The NAPARC list of churches is a good start. While there are confessionally Reformed options outside NAPARC, and there are sound churches in unsound denominations, and sometimes problematic churches in sound denominations, most denominations in NAPARC are good options for someone seeking Reformed preaching.

  3. If a church practices the three marks, but is broadly accepting of differing secondary issues among membership (Of which leadership considers these non-essentials), would this be Biblical grounds to leave?

    • I would humbly suggest no. If they were allowing difference of primary issues, then yes, but secondary issues are secondary for a reason. If they have the three marks they are a true church! Perhaps if there is another true church nearby that agrees with you on those secondary issues it would be seen as wise to transfer to that church, but there should be no moral issue staying in my eyes.

    • Diane,

      It comes down to definitions. What do they consider “secondary issues”? E.g., most of the Presbyterian churches in NAPARC allow Baptists to join their congregations and yet they have the three marks. Is there tension between them, yes but that’s not a reason to leave.

      That said, in my view, I think seeking dismissal to another NAPARC church (a sister denomination or a congregation in the same denomination) is a matter of Christian liberty.

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